Seeing

The dreams below come in the context of a number of dreams recently where I am “witnessed” or seen by the Archetypes in my sensuality. What is it like to truly “see”, not with the eyes, but with the heart? What blocks us from being able to see?

Dream:

I am at a huge barn with a woman where Vanessa’s and my sheep are being watched by H (another farmer we know). A woman who runs the farm is there. She says there is a problem with a lamb and that is why she called me. I look into the barn and there are a whole bunch of huge animals, moose and horses and possibly others. I ask her what they are doing in there with our sheep and she says that they belong to her husband. I feel afraid that the animals are so big they have harmed the sheep and that is why she is saying there is a problem with a lamb. I tell her that I wish H had told me about this. I go in and work my way through the enormous animals to find the lamb. It is a large white lamb and it is down and rolling its head around. Its mother is no where around. I pick its head up and see that it has a long flap of skin coming off the top of its nose and I think that when it tries to breath, the flap covers its nostrils and that is why it is flailing its head around. It keeps licking its nose and I think I will need to call Vanessa and that we can trim off the flap and it will be OK. But then I realize that it has no eyes and that it has some tentacle like things coming out of its mouth. I think that this lamb is probably deformed and won’t survive.

The lamb can't see because he has no eyes. This lamb represents what it is like for me when I am in the reactive place of my trauma. When I am the lamb, I am flailing, licking my lips because I can't breathe. I am alone in the moment. And even more alone because I can't see. The Archetypes (the moose) are all around the lamb, yet the lamb is blinded because it has no eyes. This is what PTSD is like. At its most intense, PTSD symptoms are a manifestation of a completely irrational place of trauma fear and I am completely isolated in that place. When I am in my trauma reaction, I can no longer "see" Him. In the dream, I am projecting as I believe there to be something bad that has happened. And then, like the lamb, I don't "see" the moose; I have no time for the moose. There is only a fleeting moment of Wow when I first see them, and then I am in the place of trauma needing to find and help the lamb, believing it to be deformed and not likely to survive.

This dream shows me how trauma reaction completely cuts me off from Him. When I am in my trauma, I become blind. I am completely cut off from the love.

Desire and Longing

Desire and longing. This is the place of my work right now, from last week and the week before, my desire presenting in the dreams and also my reaction, which is to keep my desire “private”, to keep it hidden.

I think that desire, when sustained but unmet becomes yearning or longing. The seeker in me has felt longing, a longing for something more, the elusive feeling of spiritual connection, perhaps, or unconditional love as manifested by peace of heart and mind. But I have never sustained this longing and now I see that when sustained it becomes painful, an ache.

I want to separate out the sexual desire present in the dreamwork from the longing or yearning for God, because there is some place in me that believes that the two are mutually exclusive. Sex is of the flesh, the world, and has no place in my relationship with God. But the dreams have shown that this simply isn’t true.

Leaping

There is nothing quite like the unabashed joy of moving forward. The moment in the dream where we chose to take the leap, where we chose to do the thing that we normally would shy away from. Often there are moments in the dream where we can jump off the cliff, plunge into the water, or enter the cave or tunnel, all moments which indicate our desire to move forward in the journey. Also moments where we chose to leave behind something that we no longer need: caretaking, anger, control, etc. We chose our road less traveled. It is a moment of surrender.

Dream:

I am with V. We are walking down a smooth rock slope that ends in the water. I have a tooth brush in a travel container that belongs to V. Then she points out that the toothbrush has fallen out of the container. It slides down the rock into the water. I run down the rock and I know I am going to throw myself in the water even though it is ice cold. V is yelling “Sweetie! Sweetie!”, and running after me. I think she is afraid for me. I get to the bottom and I fling myself in the water. I feel huge excitement. I think the water will be freezing but it is not. I swim to the edge of a stony shore which is just beyond where I jumped in and turn and lay my head on the shore with my body in the water. The water feels sensual on my body. Then I look out and see that there are other people in the water. I see a man with a little girl that he is helping to swim along. I swim towards them.

Shift of Change

Dream:

I am working with a bunch of people on a project. A woman keeps calling and telling me I have to put my dog on a leash or she will report me to some man and I will get in trouble. It seems that every time her little dog sees mine wandering around, she barks which annoys the woman. I think that I should comply, that somehow these are the rules, but I am busy and either forget or ignore her each time. Then I am in the HOWL kitchen with several people. The woman comes to the door with her little dog and says I better put my dog on a leash because the man is already in the house and he is coming. I turn and Oakley is at my feet in the kitchen. It makes no sense to have to leash her. I have the leash and I know I am supposed to leash her, but I don’t want to.

I feel the shift of change. Something is happening. Old patterns are either falling away or I am refusing to take the bait. This shows itself in the dream when I do something different. Here, I don’t leash the dog, even though I think I am supposed to. In the past, I might have leashed the dog out of the projected fear of my trauma. Something bad might happen if I don’t leash the dog. But, pathology is clever. If it can’t get us one way, the demon will suddenly morph into a new idea.

Night Visions: Dreams & Self Expression

I have to write about this. How can I not post something about my first art show?! I could not have imagined this, so unexpected, so really fun. That I could be so in the joy of it and not under attack is a testament to the work I am doing and the support I feel from the folks at North of Eden, especially Sue Scavo who has encouraged me from the beginning to see the truth of who I am, as shown by the dream, not who I thought I was.

I worked on several paintings today. I am trying some new “techniques”. Since I have no training and no outside direction, it is just about me in my work. I get to play. I seem to have no story about what I think I should be doing, what other’s expect or how they might view what I do, or whether it’s good or bad. It is for me and I had so much fun. This is such a new and fragile place for me. I am happy to be here in this moment, today. Perhaps on another day I will have to do battle with the ear whisperers who would like nothing better than to have me put a leash on it, but not today.

OK, back to the art show: Night Visions: Dreams and Self Expression at the Walkover Gallery in Bristol Vermont, running through March 30th. The opening was last weekend and included myself and four other artists working from the dreams. There were also poetry readings by Karla Van Vliet and Sue Scavo and musical performances by a number of folks working their edge of creativity and vulnerability with music. Over 80 people attended including my family and lots of my friends. It was exciting and scary.