Did you ever feel like something was taken from you; something beautiful and free, some part of yourself that inexplicably went missing. How many of us, as children, have had bits and pieces stolen from us, pieces stripped from the bone of our souls? We turn to the human “God” animal, for love and support and we experience judgment, criticism, disinterest, or sometimes violence. Our true self slowly or abruptly sinks away, goes underground, into hiding and we don’t even know it. Occasionally we might experience the aching feeling of loss which we try to avoid at all costs, with booze, drugs, relationships, pursuit of wealth, shopping, work, causes, and all manner of other distractions. In the dreamwork, as I have begun to experience feelings of pain and loss, my instinctive inclination is to jump away. I think to go to the feelings of loss and the accompanying grief, I might disappear in it. I will suffer; it will hurt. I never saw that the real suffering was in the avoidance.

In my recent dreamwork, I am exploring the place of fear and desire around being in my creative, expressive self. It is terrifying because I am afraid if I allow it, I will be hurt. I believe this because, in the past, I did experience hurt. I have the desire, and the excitement is there, yet something so deeply rooted in me wants to take it away.

Dream: I am at a NOE gallery opening with Sue S. and some other people. I have a painting that I am supposed to hang in one of the rooms and I am supposed to write something to go with it. I go into the room, but everything is a mess. I see another room with a bunch of paintings on display and so I go in there and hang the painting. I tell Sue it is just to see how it looks. We go in the other room and I say it’s a mess and we start cleaning it up. Later I look in the room and I see my painting with a bunch of others. It is a monochromatic red painting with a series of large sphere tumbling down that are all connected by a ribbon. It looks really cool, but I don’t recognize it anymore and I think maybe it’s not really mine.

In the dream, I am excited about having my painting displayed, but I don’t think I really belong in the big room. Yet, I hang it in there anyway. Then I worry about being judged harshly and jump out of the desire and excitement into my “busy” mode. From that place, I cannot even recognize my painting anymore. The simple truth is that it is scary for me to be on display as the vulnerable, creative girl. The story I have always carried is that I am neither of those things.

To visit the feeling of fear around being the vulnerable, expressive girl brings up a deep pain. This is the pain of loss, this part of me that was taken and is now so tied up in a story that is not true. It is so difficult to break away from the demon voices which whisper “ you suck…nobody is interested…you don’t belong…what a show-off…you look like a fool…”. These are the voices which seek to keep me separate, aloof, and cringing under the lash of contempt. To let go of all of my reasons to avoid, is to let go of the story.

The dream reveals the truth and what continues to come up in my dreams is my desire and my passion. What I desire is to find that which was lost; to find it truly, without reservation or recrimination, but with acceptance for what is true.