Sensuality of Pain

I am feeling my brokenness in such a new way. I don’t know how to explain it except that it just is. The story behind it all doesn’t matter anymore. And there is a deep feeling of sensuality in my body each time I go to the pain of how broken I am. It is true, I am deeply wounded; many of us are. Many do not want to know or accept this pain. I have not wanted to.

I realize that I am still very angry, that I still have rage. It sits in me as a state of being, but it is not me. I have seen the demon Rage and I know it intimately and it knows me. But it is not me. It is a decapitated head and pile of guts and exists only as this thing that wants to wrap itself around me. Its head is like the head of the Medusa. It writhes. Since it has no body, it has only the tentacles which come from its head (mind) with which to hook me and attack me. It truly is a demon and this is what it looks like. Very scary stuff. It wants me to believe that it has me. The truth is it has never left me, but it is not me. It’s just that now I know It. I see It for what It is. It is the thing that has me say NO! to the Aniums. It is the thing that has me reject Him or project the bad man onto Him.

I feel this thing in me. My body feels it. There have been other times in my life where I have been in deep pain and it feels as if there is something in me that is trying to get out. I used to think of it that way. But now I wonder if it is the thing that is trying NOT to be expelled. It is as if my body wants to reject it and it fights to keep its place. The connection is here between my soul and this body which is how I can feel.

It is so amazing…to actually feel. If pain is sensual, then why not feel it? If the feeling is a gateway, a corridor to the soul self as we learn in the Archetypal dreamwork, then why not feel it? This is what the demon does not want me to know. And this is the what the Archetypes are bringing to me over and over in the dreams: the opportunity to access the feeling which would lead me deeper to my true self.

The Archetypes work so hard to save me, to show me, to help me. There is a place in me that wants to wail, “WHY?” Is it so hard to accept that it must be because they love me? Is it possible that They simply love each and every one of us so much? Can I accept this love, which is God's love? I do not “feel” this love in me yet, but I am starting to realize and accept that it must be there. The demon does not like this and so my recent outer world life has been messy…filled with reactivity and anger.

Bringing my inner work into my outer life is a new edge. Having my heart cut open is messy and yet there is no other way. Faith without works is dead. It is too easy for the mind to co-opt my inner work. I can walk around in my own private bubble of self righteousness. The poor bastards out there don’t even know the possibilities that exist as close as last night’s dream!

To think this way is simply more fodder for the demon. Bringing it out for me is simply showing myself. My vulnerability, my fear, my in-adequacy, my love, all these things the demon would have me hide for fear of being killed, hurt, traumatized. And to stand in the storm as others are doing, as we all must do, and know there is nothing I can do but be true to my work. Standing true is the sword cutting into the brain (for me the decapitated demon head) that Jung talks about.

I have no idea what effect standing true in each moment has, but I think of my Bodhisattva dream (see my earlier post Activation) and can believe that it is like the breath of the Bodhisattva pushing out into the world and creating the possibility of activating more souls.