Ignorance or Bliss?

From the dream:

I am on the farm and see the chicken coop and it is very tall on wheels. There is a tarp over it and I realize that even though it is day time, there are a bunch of chickens huddled inside and on the top under the tarp. I can see them crawling around. It feels creepy to me. When I get closer, one of them sees me and jumps down. I realize that it is the one Vanessa and I call the Pet because she has difficulty walking due to damaged legs. But she jumps down and I think she must be pretty strong to jump down on her legs like that. She starts walking around checking things out. I realize that the chickens are not fenced in and that if they wanted to they could all be out and I wonder why more of them don’t come out.

The thought came into my head today about how nice it would be to go back to the way it was before…before I came into the dreamwork, before I got sober, before I knew my life was unmanageable, before the anger forced me to do something about it…a place where I was ignorant, numb and just “having fun!” It was a visceral feeling in my body. The sun was just right, the day seemed so innocuous and banal, so simply easy and seductive. I could take so much enjoyment out of being successful in my career, partying with my friends, traveling…always looking for a good time and not caring about anything or anybody really, telling stories, being the life of the party…holding court as Vanessa used to tell me, breezing in and out of people’s lives, never getting hurt, and never feeling afraid, and never needing anyone. It felt pretty good, because even though I was under the tarp, I didn’t know it. Not knowing can be bliss.

But now, being under the tarp is not pleasant. It is dark, claustrophobic, oppressive… Meanwhile, I know I can be free; that it is as simple as jumping down. My wounded self wants to believe I will be hurt again and more. Better to cling to the side of this old coop, so familiar and safe…lots of other chickens in here with me, squawking and scrapping around, flapping our wings in pride or crouching in submission.

The boy energy of my soul, which has been coming alive in my work, is the opposite of this. In the dream below with the Animus, I am excited to go on the adventure and when I step forward to His invitation, sensuality floods my body. As I allow this, I can feel the (e)merging happening. It is a strange combination of seeing and not seeing, knowing and not knowing, but a place of complete safety and trust and desire...Bliss.

Dream:

I am with a man walking down a road. There is another man behind me. We pass through some kind of gate and I feel like we are entering into a magical place. I wonder what is up ahead and I feel excited because it feels like we are on an adventure. Then I see two boys (around 8) playing next to a river. I say, “let’s ask them what is up ahead.” I go to them and ask them. At first I think one of them says a monastery, but then he says an egg ranch. I say, “an egg ranch, huh” and I go back to the man. I can see down the road which is dirt and can see there are many things going on. Like a farm and possibly some type of community. I see an old fashion sign like for some kind of business. I can’t really tell what is going on down there, but I feel curious and excited to go. The two men start wrestling around like they are the two boys and I say “hey” and get in between them in the scuffle to break it up. It doesn’t feel like conflict but more like we are having fun. Then the first man walks ahead of me and puts his hands out behind his back toward me and beckons me to follow him. I walk up behind him and take his hands and he starts to lead me down the road. Then I move closer to him and put my arms around his waist and lay my head on his back and close my eyes. Then we are walking in lock-step and I feel sensuality flood my body and I can feel my desire to be with him in this moment. I feel completely safe and like we are together almost like we are one person walking with the same legs.

This is the yin and yang of it; I can be out or I can be in. My last session triggered some kind of deep fear in me. The work around the boy energy in me has me stepping forward, but I can feel myself wanting to jump away from the fear. Which I do a little bit when I divert to the two boys in the dream above, but the energy of the boy brings me back to Him.

The problem is now, I can feel the oppression of the jumping away…there is no more comfort in the place of ignorance and yet the unknown looms ahead.

Dream:

There is a huge storm coming. I go outside. Then I am with a woman and we are standing next to a building. I look up at the buildings and see trees starting to bend over. I tell the woman we should find shelter, but we don’t. The winds become cataclysmic. Then I see the dome of a building has slid off its structure. It is a huge copper dome like on a city hall or church. Then it falls and, over the wind, I hear a deep gong when it hits the ground. It bounces up in the air and flies over us. I turn and watch it as it flies away over the water. I think I will see it splash down but it disappears into the storm.

Then I am walking onto a military airbase. Some of the planes are damaged from the storm and there are pilots who are preparing for go out to clean up and find people. I think that maybe I can help. I see a pilot and walk towards him. I feel a little uncomfortable because all the soldiers are men. Then I see two boys and I say, Hi, soldiers.” One of the boys (9-10) says excitedly, “you think we are soldiers?” and I look at the other boy and see that he is only about 18 months old and is sitting on the ground. He is very plump. I say, “well you must be at least privates.” Then I pick the boy up. He is so plump and heavy I can barely lift him.

There is something in me that knows my place here on this airfield, in the battle. There is something in me that knows the pilot and that knows the energy of the boy and his desire and need and passion. But it is scary because it feels so new and it is as fierce as the winds that take down the dome.

What I feel right now in this moment as I write is pain, the pain of regret perhaps and the pain of the contraction around the fear. And yet, the sensuality is still sometimes here flooding my body even in my pain. The contractive feeling, while painful, also feels expectant in some way. I feel alchemy happening and it is uncomfortable in my body.

In my dreamwork session, when the fear came in, I felt my mind slow way down. I thought I was dissociating, but I am in unexplored terrain and do not know what is happening. I am trusting what my dreamwork analyst, Sue, tells me is happening and I have this sense that when we work together it is like the merging of the Higher Powers in each of us joining forces together to birth the new thing that is growing in me. There is a deepening of feeling that is terrifying and yet, I feel myself propelled forward by this new boy energy that is arising in me.

It’s the only place to go.