In the Terror

Your work is to be in the terror. You see how easy it is to want to turn away. You know that this is a place in you that you don’t want to face. You are afraid.

From the Dream:

I am sitting on the floor in a circle of NOE people. Sarah L. is sitting next to me...Then something shifts and I can’t see. I hear Annie W’s voice say that she smells filth. She says it is a prevailing filth. Suddenly I smell it too and the minute the smell comes into my nose, I am screaming. It smells like unclean human bodies. I have a sense of some prevalent evil surrounding me. I feel the scream, but it is like I am having someone else’s experience…I feel my arms fling out and know that I am struggling. I can’t make sense of what I feel under my hands, just that it is naked bodies. I am not sure if it is shoulders, arms, legs, necks. I feel as if hands are either holding me or pulling at me. The scream is one of absolute terror.

You feel as though you do not know this terror, that it is not yours. But it is and you sense its deep current and feel the pull of its undertow. You think, “this scream can’t possibly be mine.” You are there, yet you are not there. How does the soul know this place? Where does it exist in you? In what life did you live this moment of terror? You see how it reverberates up through to this moment in time, this moment of the life you are living now. The molecules of your body know. The atoms with their spinning electrons and neutrons and protons know. They send the burning flash of feeling across your flesh, an electric current of fear that says NO!, do not pass this way.

You see how all your life’s journey has taken you to each moment in time. You see how you could not have arrived to this place without all the moments that have passed before. You see how your journey has led you to this place of desire to be who you are, who you can be, despite the visceral memories of the persecution, the evil, that would keep you from it. You have forgotten mortal terror. You have run from it, hid from it, denied it, suppressed it, drowned it, put it in its place. But the imprint is there. It is there right alongside the love; indelible. You see how those who have gone before you have paved the way with their own experience, strength and hope. You feel their desire and their knowing. And, like the loose tether of the wild horse, you grab it as it flows past in a swirl of bunched muscle and fluid energy, wild passion rising in your own throat.

You see your girl in the basement. She looks small, pale, shell-shocked. You don’t know how long she has lived there or what she has experienced. You bring her up into the light. You see she is coming alive. She terrifies you. You see she is challenging you. She is with Him, waiting for your next move.